was hurt. deeply hurt. i have only this short weekend out of camp. i tried to do all i wanna do. my family, my friends, my girl. tried to squeeze time out of this short span of time for her. i pushed away the nite cycling. mama ask me go dinner, i cant refuse... just want to see her again... but i was deeply hurt. i was labelled one man with a lot of commitments and that my girl shld feel honoured that i can spare a few hours for her. the sentence is said with such vial... feel like breaking down...

luv ya still, zhan

the sms pierced straight into my heart. pain. very pain. wonder why things just dont work out. i m very scared. things dont look good. i m facing expectations from everyone. i should have heed lz's advice. now i m torn. tired. i m a normal human too... i felt coldness. not the coldness of the nite. i m thick-skin. but coldness in my heart. momentarily stopped beating. i din dare to read the sms. i regretted reading it later on. i m running away from reality. cos the reality is something i dont wanna it happen. ups n down may it be, but...

the letter to girl is below this... i m tired. taking a nap before i wake up to cook lunch for girl. i m feeling so fake. i hate putting on a mask...

love still, zHaN.

Girl,

It sure have been a long long 15 months (or 1 yr 3 months) together... months that are fileld with challenges, sweet moments, hurt feelings, lessons learned... i enjoyed these months, for there is something that filled up this emptiness inside me. i found u.

this anniversary wld be quite a sad one... in just 4 days time, i will be entering army. the supposedly normally rationale me have totally no idea how life will be later on. it will be just simply taking a step at each time.

these few days haven been tormoil. yes, i can sense it. i can feel it. stress level gtting higher. relisation about the short time left. everything been crashing for me. not that i din know how much time i had left, but it is the sudden feeling that gushes to me that "hey... spend more time with girl... for... after this, u may not get to see her even if u want." every moment is precious. one hour is also time spent together. let me lunch with u dear...

looking back at these months, theres been times when either one of us got hot-tempered... it has been very very agonising for me whenever u got angry. real agonising. the sms u sent wld be obviously fed up and trying to fu1 yan3 me. i could sense it, but i cld do nothing. for, i knew nothing. helpless. sometimes, i felt so gek n fed up too. but, i often told myself... "hey hey, if u have nothing better to say, then shut ur crap up..." thinking abt this, i put my fone back into my pocket. deleting away the angry words i typed. no use sending to hurt our relationship... very sorry about what happened today... guess i was kinda crazy... i will heed ur word girl... i will refrain from being hot-tempered. that shall be my resolution. love ya girl...

the real test has yet to come for us. in my view. we have been together in the same sch for 2 years... but, how do we fare when we live our lives together in 2 separate environments? i wonder. this is the real test. i had bitter memories of how time separate even the closest friends... i am really worried... perhaps you will call it paranoid. afraid of something that may never happen. but, murphy laws is so sickeningly freakingly true at some times. just cant help to believe in the worst. somehow,... i really dunno but help getting pessimistic... sorry... i know its very not me...

recently, tingting asked me if i scared u will stray or i myself will stray in 3 months... i replied her firmly no, cos we are close enough... she said that this period of time is very easy for anyone (yes everyone n anyone) to stray... thinking about it, just felt it is so true... but, i believe in girl. i have trust. i have not met any parents of my ex, but, i mustered the confidence to meet urs. i felt that we can go on. i believe we can go on. i hope that my believe will not be wrong... just scared... but i really hope that we will last. dun forget our promise. 60 years at least... hugz...

hope that our communication can get better in years to come. really hope that i dun get those painful feeling so often as now... hope that this new turning pt will bring us better lives together.

anw, very sorry if my temper isnt very good recently. during my parents absense, my bro n my sis arent on very good terms. i am stuck in between. i m not taking any sides, but it somehow does affects me. i firmly n strongly believes that "jia1 he2 wan4 shi4 xin1"... it just giuves me such a big headache that i see bad blood brewing... i felt that i had to do something, but there is nothing i cld do. i m the youngest after all. who am i to talk to them, 8 and 10 years older than me?... all i could do was look and act normal and try to peace talk here n there... being the bridge. tiring it is... very sorry if i vent my frustrtions sometimes... i really love ya.

using the most clinche line... u heard it lotsa times but i wanna say it again... I LOVE YOU GIRL. FOREVER AND EVER... let our story continue on...

do give me a call after u read this k?... hugz...

love, zHaN. 15 months together...